So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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