i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
