I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
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