I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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