Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
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