Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
