i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
