Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
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I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
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I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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