I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
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