she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
