She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Randomize
