It's Friday. Sex?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
