she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
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