I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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