I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
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A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
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I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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