i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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