There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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