so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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