my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
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