I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize