If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
