I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Randomize
