so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
My feet surprised me
Randomize
