My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
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