Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
