a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
