I'm jealous of your bromance
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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