its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
