And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
