mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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