Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
