I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
