tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
