I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
