Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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