Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
sex in a hospital.. check
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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