im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Randomize
