I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
where are my pants?
in the oven.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
