After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
