I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
