How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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