HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
