It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
