No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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