I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
