I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
