hotel room ftw
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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