I am spending my child support on dildos
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
