2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
