the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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