if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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