wanna go halves on a baby?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
