The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
