apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
