from now on my penis is your penis
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
