we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
It's no shave November. This is our time.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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