Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
