Already got asked if we're dating
im drinking this country out of the recession.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
