I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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